Waking Up in the Void

I woke up in the middle of last night with a very strange feeling that I've never experienced to such an extent. I was wide awake but the feeling was something like that which you experience in a bad dream. I lied there looking straight up at the cracks in the concrete ceiling and felt a giant void inside me which made me feel cold and enveloped me in what I can only describe as a tight fitting blanket of hopelessness. It was as if there was some invisible presence in the room working some sort of magic to force me to look at my life and future with a magnifying glass and all it revealed was a dark desolate desert where cold air blew and even the cactuses were dead. There was no warmth and no connections bounding me to any other lives so I hugged myself and my hands were marble. I suppose this state of being is what some call the void, or losing touch, is a real paradox in that you lose all hope of love or joy but by doing so you no longer fear death or the acceleration of the passing of your days. I guess you could say that our greatest fear is that the Buddhists are right and that are greatest hope is that the Buddhists are right.
What makes the experience last night linger even deeper is the day that we're in today. The sky is a dark gray brown with the wind blowing madly and rain starting on and off lightly. It's the void that was inside of me last night and spreading outward. Now it's all around us and we are tucked in though walls partition us off from each other.

Dark matter - is a hypothesized form of matter particle that does not reflect or emit electromagnetic radiation. The existence of dark matter is inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter, such as stars and galaxies. A small percentage of the gravitational effects observed are from visible matter (some estimates are as low as 4% of total gravitational effects). The remaining 96% is presumed to result from dark matter or dark energy, though these terms are somewhat indicative of our ignorance of the exact nature of these unknown quantities, as they have never been directly observed.

How are other people able to influence our state of mind so greatly? When you spend a few hours getting to know somebody for the first time you can think that you are in control of your mind and emotions but it's as if there is some dark trick being worked on your soul if a soul is even real. Maybe it's all as simple and plain as chemical reactions firing in your body trying to do whatever it takes to cloud your judgement and get you to put yourself in another human and make more people. If this is true and we are all just evolution's little puppets then it removes us from the equation. It's not the happy thought but maybe we do have purpose and it's no more than to compete with and fuck each other. Maybe everything else is just rotten icing on a stale and decaying cake.