Falling madly in love with a woman in just one month is not something you plan on but that you definitely plan all of your life around once it happens.
Two lovers in love, things speed up too fast, lovers try to pull pack, failure the only outcome. Wait, no, pulling back can be achieved, fear, fear can stop anything like death. One man in love and nothing holding him back. One woman in love, all of her ties to current mode of life restraining her and holding her from diving off of the cliff with the man squeezing her hand and promising her a new and beautiful path.
Life is us in fear
Love is two people fearless
The end is either
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Caring, Sometimes Recklessly
The world can show you how strange and nonsensical it can be at all hours of the day and in anything or anyone. It's just when you begin to form a system or some sort of belief that you can understand this life that it punches you in the kidney causing you to fold over and re-think why you ever got in the ring. You got in the ring because two creatures like yourself were following their biological orders, came together, pushed you out of their genitals, and then went their marry ways. So you're here, get a strong grip and keep pushing forward even if you have no idea why.
Sometimes as you're pushing along you can push into another person that's also just trying to make their way with their head down and a rapid pace. You look over to see who you've bumped into and they return your glance. For a second your mind is void of all of the decaying and absurd creations around you. You look into this strangers eyes and you're gone.
I think we all possess the power to see the future when we look in a certain stranger's eyes for the first time. We see all of the potential, all of the hope, and undoubtedly the chaos. Some of us build this brief vision to be much more than what it was while some of us suppress and bury perhaps the greatest opportunity of our short lived lives because we fear.
It's this fearfulness belonging to the fearful that torches the brave trying to shed their fear. I don't think that the vast majority of us are capable yet of appreciating the world's sense of humor.
Be reckless despite the world's rigged comedy. Care, despite everyone that's scared to receive it.
Sometimes as you're pushing along you can push into another person that's also just trying to make their way with their head down and a rapid pace. You look over to see who you've bumped into and they return your glance. For a second your mind is void of all of the decaying and absurd creations around you. You look into this strangers eyes and you're gone.
I think we all possess the power to see the future when we look in a certain stranger's eyes for the first time. We see all of the potential, all of the hope, and undoubtedly the chaos. Some of us build this brief vision to be much more than what it was while some of us suppress and bury perhaps the greatest opportunity of our short lived lives because we fear.
It's this fearfulness belonging to the fearful that torches the brave trying to shed their fear. I don't think that the vast majority of us are capable yet of appreciating the world's sense of humor.
Be reckless despite the world's rigged comedy. Care, despite everyone that's scared to receive it.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Passionger
Passion's a tricky thing. It's one of our greatest joy's and yet one of our most threatening poisons. This is why people are always talking about taking things slowly, as if they somehow have any control over the things to come once they engage with another. Caution and a slow and steady pace have their place in many facets of one's life but I believe they're futile and deluding when it comes to the game of love. If you approach the time with fear and apprehension then perhaps you're just dulling a sharp blade that is going to cut into you eventually but now it's just going to take longer to rip you and you never get to appreciate it's shine. We need to know just how temporary we really are and embrace it. All these days wasted trying to figure this place out when in the end it's possible that there's no answer nor has there ever been. We're all on fire and so it only makes sense to burn together and as hot as possible.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Decisions
Accepting a proposal from a beautiful girl to embark on a casual relationship is an invitation that's impossible to resist despite all of the warning signs that come attached to it flashing bright. Maybe it really is extreme hubris to tell yourself that you're somehow psychologically hardened and evolved beyond most people and capable of maintaining such a tricky connection to another and drawing warmth from it without letting it inevitably crash you into the rocks to bleed. But in another light, isn't just such an opportunity exactly what would be encouraged by Miyamoto Musashi to strengthen a samurai's control over his will and control by forcing him to master and break his emotions so that he can enjoy and banish them at will? It is common knowledge that Miyamoto as well as countless warriors walking the path had intimate long lasting relations with specific Geishas and prostitutes without ever forgetting that it was so very temporary and ultimately expendable before duty if called upon. Such an arrangement with a lover is perhaps the perfect embodiment of the core of the way that we walk. And that way tells us to never forget that all is temporary and fighting this knowledge will only pain and destroy you.
If you are two people so lucky to find one another and with your youth, a strong mutual attraction, and a rare curiosity to know more about one another and share yourselves, then wouldn't it be foolish to not embrace these moments and not poison them by wasting time obsessing on what happens outside of your time together? You belong to nobody and nobody belongs to you. It is an impossibility that our species has fabricated along with gods to avoid the future. I think the joke lies in the fact that we can only truly appreciate the company of one another when we clearly see how fragile and short-lived the bonds are. Maybe then the time shared in these spaces can grow our souls instead of play out into monotonous cycles.
Our illusions of control are simply grown from seeds of fear that each of us are riddled with all the way through. Perhaps avoiding a relationship of any sort due to your weariness of the repercussions is in fact the unhealthy choice because it is based in fear?
'Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.' - Ernest Hemingway
If you are two people so lucky to find one another and with your youth, a strong mutual attraction, and a rare curiosity to know more about one another and share yourselves, then wouldn't it be foolish to not embrace these moments and not poison them by wasting time obsessing on what happens outside of your time together? You belong to nobody and nobody belongs to you. It is an impossibility that our species has fabricated along with gods to avoid the future. I think the joke lies in the fact that we can only truly appreciate the company of one another when we clearly see how fragile and short-lived the bonds are. Maybe then the time shared in these spaces can grow our souls instead of play out into monotonous cycles.
Our illusions of control are simply grown from seeds of fear that each of us are riddled with all the way through. Perhaps avoiding a relationship of any sort due to your weariness of the repercussions is in fact the unhealthy choice because it is based in fear?
'Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.' - Ernest Hemingway
Monday, March 21, 2011
Waking Up in the Void
I woke up in the middle of last night with a very strange feeling that I've never experienced to such an extent. I was wide awake but the feeling was something like that which you experience in a bad dream. I lied there looking straight up at the cracks in the concrete ceiling and felt a giant void inside me which made me feel cold and enveloped me in what I can only describe as a tight fitting blanket of hopelessness. It was as if there was some invisible presence in the room working some sort of magic to force me to look at my life and future with a magnifying glass and all it revealed was a dark desolate desert where cold air blew and even the cactuses were dead. There was no warmth and no connections bounding me to any other lives so I hugged myself and my hands were marble. I suppose this state of being is what some call the void, or losing touch, is a real paradox in that you lose all hope of love or joy but by doing so you no longer fear death or the acceleration of the passing of your days. I guess you could say that our greatest fear is that the Buddhists are right and that are greatest hope is that the Buddhists are right.
What makes the experience last night linger even deeper is the day that we're in today. The sky is a dark gray brown with the wind blowing madly and rain starting on and off lightly. It's the void that was inside of me last night and spreading outward. Now it's all around us and we are tucked in though walls partition us off from each other.
Dark matter - is a hypothesized form of matter particle that does not reflect or emit electromagnetic radiation. The existence of dark matter is inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter, such as stars and galaxies. A small percentage of the gravitational effects observed are from visible matter (some estimates are as low as 4% of total gravitational effects). The remaining 96% is presumed to result from dark matter or dark energy, though these terms are somewhat indicative of our ignorance of the exact nature of these unknown quantities, as they have never been directly observed.
How are other people able to influence our state of mind so greatly? When you spend a few hours getting to know somebody for the first time you can think that you are in control of your mind and emotions but it's as if there is some dark trick being worked on your soul if a soul is even real. Maybe it's all as simple and plain as chemical reactions firing in your body trying to do whatever it takes to cloud your judgement and get you to put yourself in another human and make more people. If this is true and we are all just evolution's little puppets then it removes us from the equation. It's not the happy thought but maybe we do have purpose and it's no more than to compete with and fuck each other. Maybe everything else is just rotten icing on a stale and decaying cake.
What makes the experience last night linger even deeper is the day that we're in today. The sky is a dark gray brown with the wind blowing madly and rain starting on and off lightly. It's the void that was inside of me last night and spreading outward. Now it's all around us and we are tucked in though walls partition us off from each other.
Dark matter - is a hypothesized form of matter particle that does not reflect or emit electromagnetic radiation. The existence of dark matter is inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter, such as stars and galaxies. A small percentage of the gravitational effects observed are from visible matter (some estimates are as low as 4% of total gravitational effects). The remaining 96% is presumed to result from dark matter or dark energy, though these terms are somewhat indicative of our ignorance of the exact nature of these unknown quantities, as they have never been directly observed.
How are other people able to influence our state of mind so greatly? When you spend a few hours getting to know somebody for the first time you can think that you are in control of your mind and emotions but it's as if there is some dark trick being worked on your soul if a soul is even real. Maybe it's all as simple and plain as chemical reactions firing in your body trying to do whatever it takes to cloud your judgement and get you to put yourself in another human and make more people. If this is true and we are all just evolution's little puppets then it removes us from the equation. It's not the happy thought but maybe we do have purpose and it's no more than to compete with and fuck each other. Maybe everything else is just rotten icing on a stale and decaying cake.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Random Instances
I went out alone Friday night and the inner city is empty on the weekends. There's a certain feeling down here that you don't get in the suburbs. Everyone down here seems like a traveller just passing through, in motion, looking to get somewhere without making too many connections for fear of growing roots and being anchored into the ground. There's a certain freedom to this mode of living but at the cost of consistent bouts of loneliness. When the mountains in the West swallow the sun, handing over it's duty to the city lights, that is when the travelers are all revealed. It's in the transients digging for leftover cigarettes in the filthy ashtray on the street corner. It's in the young Mexican gang member projecting his confident anger to mask the fear he has inside that he has no future. It's in all of the business men and women flirting and pursuing the sex and laughter of each other to try and fill that empty hole inside that's driving us all mad. It's in myself and on my face as I sit down at the dingy Irish pub and look down the bar to see versions of myself 20 years from now drinking whiskey and no longer clinging to the illusion that I have anymore youth. Time is that sliver in all of our hearts and minds that will never be removed. We can do our best to ignore it but it will always come to the surface whenever it chooses and shoot a sharp pain through our souls by letting us know how fast our time is running out and leaving us dwelling on what we've wasted instead of trying to make the moment we're in count.
Travelers and passengers downtown all sense one another and are aware of the different breed that they are. It's an invisible network of common souls resembling a large family without any of the love or compassion. What this invisible family shares is the sense of serving out a sentence and an admittance that this life could very possibly be a punishment that the religious types deem as Hell.
Saying that we're in Hell always makes the writer sound like he or she is being overly dramatic and looking for sympathy. I think the real truth is that we're all looking for sympathy for the vast majority of the time while rarely seeking to give it.
Scattered (adj.): "disconnected fragments of a story", "scattered thoughts", unconnected(lacking orderly continuity)
Friday was a strange night, an extremely fun night, and a night with scattered patches of disappointment. It's strange how often the good times are a mix of these ingredients. After two Irish pubs and a number of Guinesses I made my way to the gay club down the street from my home. There's a certain comfort that a gay club seems to provide a straight person that can't be summed up in one paragraph. I think it's in the feeling that it gives me that I'm a complete stranger yet not being looked at as a failure or a weirdo for sitting alone. This is something that's inescapable when you're surrounded by table after table of couples and groups of friends at the local straight bars. I suppose it's a lot like being a single somewhat handsome and successful man in your thirties where everyone assumes that you're either gay or broken. At least the assumptions in the gay club are pretty simple. There's also a certain energy and openness all around the gay and lesbian community. In short, so many of them are trying to have fun. I suppose I admire this quality because I'm so bad at it.
It wasn't long before a young Spanish gentlemen who worked for the local college came over and introduced himself. I told him off the bat that I was straight and didn't want to waste his time but he seemed to be genuinely looking for someone just to hang out with for a few and talk. I know, how many times have we as guys said that to a woman after she says she's not interested in sex, because we think that if we can manage to get in as a friend then we can eventually get in as the dirty ball of pent up sexual perversions that we are. Sometimes our simple animal nature really seems an absurd and cruel joke. That night I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and pushed pause on my lack of faith towards people.
We talked for a while and it was interesting hearing this guy's level of honesty. I was actually quite flattered since having real conversations with strangers is not a very common occurrence. The night got better when a young bi-sexual woman named Maria came over to sit with us. I believe she was half Mexican and half Asian and one of the most life filled people that I've ever met. So attractive, enthusiastic, and all smiles. People like this glow and inspire me to not completely give up on the entire human experiment. A good looking girl with this sort of upbeat energy creates her own gravity and pulls all of those around her towards her orbit seeking to land or at least hover and bask in the radiation.
Maria was on fire. Maria dragged me over to a table of two attractive girls and introduced me. I can only assume she did this for no other reason then out of the kindness of her heart. I choose to believe this. I mingled with the two girls and we spent the next couple of hours drinking and dancing and I had one of the best times in quite a while.
Blunder (v.): to make a gross or stupid mistake, especially through carelessness or mental confusion.
It's one of life's little jokes how sometimes the best of times can in an instance shift into the worst. The ensuing regret is only compounded when the cause of the transformation is our own ignorance or hesitation. Drinking heavily for hours on end can often lead to some sort of Cinderella like story where you're all of a sudden in a different world as a different person enjoying it all but then the clock strikes midnight, or 2am, and all of a sudden the party is over and everything is just a blur that you get to piece together from your bed the next morning while your head is pounding and your stomach turns. I apparently chose to end my fairytale by drinking too much, giving my number (quite possibly incorrectly) instead of getting a number, forgetting all names but Maria's, and departing in a fog of indifference when the two girls said they were leaving. So yes, refer to the blunder definition above. Luckily regret and disappointment do not last nearly as long as they use to. I suppose this is one of the few gifts that aging provides us.
I think that all of the blunders and failures could really just be opportunities. You can let them linger and drive you mad or you can grab a hold of them, beat them into fucking submission, and make damn well sure that you learn something from them. Maybe the pain and suffering in life are the pearls. We need to get through this and not let life break us or more importantly break ourselves. I think I'll head back to the same bar Friday and learn more.
"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." - Kurt Vonnegut
Travelers and passengers downtown all sense one another and are aware of the different breed that they are. It's an invisible network of common souls resembling a large family without any of the love or compassion. What this invisible family shares is the sense of serving out a sentence and an admittance that this life could very possibly be a punishment that the religious types deem as Hell.
Saying that we're in Hell always makes the writer sound like he or she is being overly dramatic and looking for sympathy. I think the real truth is that we're all looking for sympathy for the vast majority of the time while rarely seeking to give it.
Scattered (adj.): "disconnected fragments of a story", "scattered thoughts", unconnected(lacking orderly continuity)
Friday was a strange night, an extremely fun night, and a night with scattered patches of disappointment. It's strange how often the good times are a mix of these ingredients. After two Irish pubs and a number of Guinesses I made my way to the gay club down the street from my home. There's a certain comfort that a gay club seems to provide a straight person that can't be summed up in one paragraph. I think it's in the feeling that it gives me that I'm a complete stranger yet not being looked at as a failure or a weirdo for sitting alone. This is something that's inescapable when you're surrounded by table after table of couples and groups of friends at the local straight bars. I suppose it's a lot like being a single somewhat handsome and successful man in your thirties where everyone assumes that you're either gay or broken. At least the assumptions in the gay club are pretty simple. There's also a certain energy and openness all around the gay and lesbian community. In short, so many of them are trying to have fun. I suppose I admire this quality because I'm so bad at it.
It wasn't long before a young Spanish gentlemen who worked for the local college came over and introduced himself. I told him off the bat that I was straight and didn't want to waste his time but he seemed to be genuinely looking for someone just to hang out with for a few and talk. I know, how many times have we as guys said that to a woman after she says she's not interested in sex, because we think that if we can manage to get in as a friend then we can eventually get in as the dirty ball of pent up sexual perversions that we are. Sometimes our simple animal nature really seems an absurd and cruel joke. That night I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and pushed pause on my lack of faith towards people.
We talked for a while and it was interesting hearing this guy's level of honesty. I was actually quite flattered since having real conversations with strangers is not a very common occurrence. The night got better when a young bi-sexual woman named Maria came over to sit with us. I believe she was half Mexican and half Asian and one of the most life filled people that I've ever met. So attractive, enthusiastic, and all smiles. People like this glow and inspire me to not completely give up on the entire human experiment. A good looking girl with this sort of upbeat energy creates her own gravity and pulls all of those around her towards her orbit seeking to land or at least hover and bask in the radiation.
Maria was on fire. Maria dragged me over to a table of two attractive girls and introduced me. I can only assume she did this for no other reason then out of the kindness of her heart. I choose to believe this. I mingled with the two girls and we spent the next couple of hours drinking and dancing and I had one of the best times in quite a while.
Blunder (v.): to make a gross or stupid mistake, especially through carelessness or mental confusion.
It's one of life's little jokes how sometimes the best of times can in an instance shift into the worst. The ensuing regret is only compounded when the cause of the transformation is our own ignorance or hesitation. Drinking heavily for hours on end can often lead to some sort of Cinderella like story where you're all of a sudden in a different world as a different person enjoying it all but then the clock strikes midnight, or 2am, and all of a sudden the party is over and everything is just a blur that you get to piece together from your bed the next morning while your head is pounding and your stomach turns. I apparently chose to end my fairytale by drinking too much, giving my number (quite possibly incorrectly) instead of getting a number, forgetting all names but Maria's, and departing in a fog of indifference when the two girls said they were leaving. So yes, refer to the blunder definition above. Luckily regret and disappointment do not last nearly as long as they use to. I suppose this is one of the few gifts that aging provides us.
I think that all of the blunders and failures could really just be opportunities. You can let them linger and drive you mad or you can grab a hold of them, beat them into fucking submission, and make damn well sure that you learn something from them. Maybe the pain and suffering in life are the pearls. We need to get through this and not let life break us or more importantly break ourselves. I think I'll head back to the same bar Friday and learn more.
"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." - Kurt Vonnegut
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